Ambivalence

I'm sitting in my aunt's water-front cottage at the lake, watching the activity down at the docks and on the public beach, and it dawns on me that while I lead a good life, I'm not always happy with it.

Time alone here has given me the opportunity to reflect on what I want verses what I have and while I appreciate all I have, I can't help but feel bitter that I can't have everything I want. It's getting harder and harder to care one way or the other, I've realized.

A few weeks ago, I went out for Chinese with a friend who, recently, I started looking at as more than just a friend. For awhile, I was ambivalent about him. He was sweet and I spent a lot of time in his presence, but I couldn't say for sure that I wanted our friendship to result in anything more. When I cracked open my fortune cookie at the end of dinner that night, it read (something to the effect of) "Now is the time to go after what you want." I thought about it for a few days and I realized that flimsy little paper was referring to whatever was going on between me and him. So I confronted him about what, exactly, we were...

"What's going on," I asked him one afternoon on the phone because I couldn't bring myself to broach the subject in person.

"I don't know, why?" Uh oh, that's never a good reaction to this line of questioning. "What do you think is going on?" He turned it back around on me, but I threw his answer back in his face. I didn't know what was going on, I said. I wanted to hear from him what this was.

I can't remember the specifics of the conversation, only that I hung up the phone a few minutes later and crawled into bed feeling badly for myself. I know he pointed out that we didn't know each other all that well (Really? Because I think I know you plenty well, I wanted to say.) but he also indicated he didn't know what he wanted from me.

I was blindsided because here I thought he wanted me.

When did his feelings for me turn ambivalent? And when did I develop something akin to feelings for him?

Over the last week or so, I managed to convince myself to back off. Don't answer the phone if he calls; don't respond to his texts immediately. I've resorted to playing this stupid game of cat and mouse in an effort to spare my feelings, and as I sit here quietly contemplating my life and what I want, I realize this might not be it. You're not supposed to have to work for someone's affection, right? Love isn't supposed to be a game.

So here I sit, my phone on silent and tucked away in my suitcase, and I wonder... has he tried calling? Will I have a text message from him? I'm resisting the urge to look, but I feel it won't be for long.

Why do I care?

And how do I stop?