I’ve never been the type of person to accept complacency. While I tend to be (more or less) resistant to change, I like to be one step ahead of the game and in charge of my life, my future.
However, these days, I feel I’ve become complacent and I don’t know what to do about that. I came to my job almost five years ago (after one year working for the company as an intern) intent on staying just one year as a full-time reporter, “for the experience.” Today, I’ve worked my way up the proverbial ladder from intern to reporter to assistant editor to (finally!) editor, and yes I enjoy it, but I yearn for more.
I never wanted to come to Western Massachusetts because I always thought of it as too far from home…and it’s less than two hours away. Nevertheless, I’m starting to feel a desire to travel and see the world. To do something with myself.
The other day, I told Doc I wanted to visit San Francisco. He’s lived there. I’ve told him how badly I want to visit London (specifically) or England (in general). He’s lived there too. Once, I brought him to my favorite sushi restaurant with the promise that he’d taste the best sushi ever and he said “I’ve had better.” Where? I asked. “Japan.”
Almost everywhere in the world I wish to see, he’s seen. We’re the same age – he’s just 8 days younger than I – and yet he’s seen so much and done so much more than I have. I’ve settled for the life of a small-town newspaper editor in rural (suburban?) Massachusetts but I can’t say for certain that this is what I want.
I watch as he prepares for his future as a doctor – from the specialty he hopes to pursue to the hospital at which he’ll complete residency – and I wish that I could expand my horizons.
I’ve always dreamed of being a book author, but I still don’t believe I’m good enough to pursue that dream. I’d love to work for a bigger newspaper, but journalism is a dying industry and I’m probably better off where I am. I want to settle down and buy a house, but on my editor’s salary, that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. I want to hop on a plane to California to experience life on the west coast. Doc said out there, traffic is “a way of life” and that I’m not likely to enjoy it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to experience it just once.
How do I shake things up in my life? What should I do with myself? When will I figure out my ultimate goal? Should I even have one? These are the questions I struggle with daily.
I want so badly to have more than I do now, but am I risking all the good things in my current life? How do you know when you’ve had enough?
